Silence Your Inner Critic: How to Build a Better Relationship with Yourself
Meet Your Inner Critic
Let’s talk about your relationship with your day 1, your ride or die, your...self.
Your relationship with yourself sets the foundation for all others. No one is going to have your back, anticipate your needs, or know exactly what you’re thinking and feeling better than you.
So why then do we talk down to ourselves and hold ourselves to unrealistic standards? You know that inner critic voice I’m talking about? The one who suggests you’re not good enough, and who’s afraid everyone is going to judge you or think you’re incompetent. The one who whispers in your ear that you’ve never been successful in this area of life, so why bother trying when you’re just going to fail again like you did last time? The one who stops you from enjoying pictures of yourself that capture incredible memories because your “inadequacies” are its focal point. The one who convinces you that you should just avoid getting your picture taken altogether.
How it Holds You Back
Yeah, I know that familiar voice too. So have most of my clients. It’s that sneaky inner critic that sabotages our efforts and kills our joy. The voice we’d never use to talk to our closest friends. The one that robs us of pursuing our passions, trying new things, enjoying experiences mindfully, and fully stepping into our powerful individuality.
That voice SUCKS. I would hear that voice all the time when I looked at pictures like the one above. I could pick apart a hundred things I didn’t like about the way I looked. I felt embarrassed and ashamed for not looking “perfect”. You know who doesn’t care about how I looked in that moment? My beautiful baby. The one who looked at me with nothing but joy, love, and trust in his eyes. The one who lit my world on fire with a love I’d never known. After years of amplifying the Critic’s voice, I got tired of living my life by its rules. I wanted to live for the connections, moments, and experiences instead.
So what do we do about it? Try one of the menu options below and observe what happens.
Rewriting the Script: Critic Silencer Menu
Turn the station: Imagine your inner thoughts as different radio stations. The Critic might be the default station when you turn on your car, but that doesn’t mean you’re limited to that station. You can recognize the familiar station and then choose to tune in to something more enjoyable. You might even have to do it every single time you start your car.
A well-fed Critic tends to hang around, but like a seagull, the more you feed it, the more obnoxious it gets. The Critics thrive on insecurities, paranoia, and self-doubt. Strangely, they’re trying to keep us “safe” but at the expense of what feels like living in a claustrophobic perfectionist cage. Next time you notice them, try mentally changing the station and moving on.
Recognize that thoughts and truths are different: The Critic wants you to think the thoughts it’s blaring at you are true. The beautiful thing about thoughts, though, is that just because we have them, doesn’t mean they’re real. We can think all day long that we’re not respected, that our bodies are ugly, or that we’re not good enough, but that doesn’t make any of it true.
Challenge self-limiting beliefs: When considering your next steps, an unconventional choice, or your thoughts about something, try asking…
Why do I think this?
What evidence do I have that this is true?
Is that the only way?
If someone paid me to do this, could I figure out a way?
Says who? Is their opinion the only one that matters?
Get curious: What are your feelings and emotions trying to tell you? Jealousy, shame, guilt, excitement, etc., give you clues about your underlying needs if you dig deeper.
Be intentional: Be aware of who you spend your time with, online and in person. Does the person or account you’re following make you feel better, or does it leave you feeling less than good enough? Do the people you surround yourself with lift you up and accept you for who you are, or do their comments feel superficial & judgmental?
Let go of your self-comparisons: It’s easy to get attached to how you used to look or perform, but how do you feel when you judge yourself as coming up short? Is it possible to focus your energy on the future and how you’d like to live and show up in the world?
Stop “shoulding” on yourself: I “should” weigh ___ pounds. I “should” be able to do a push-up. I “should” be able to run without pain. Says who? Where is that expectation coming from? How will that actually make a difference in your life? How realistic are your expectations? Are you actively working consistently towards achieving the should?
Lower expectations: You might not be able to do all that you planned, but what bite-sized options are there instead? Small, consistent wins add up.
Watch your language: Using words like “always”, “never”, or “can’t” can feed into self-limiting beliefs. Try language that cultivates a growth mindset and leaves room for flexibility, humanity, and change, such as “sometimes”, “rarely”, “this is hard”, “often”, or “yet”.
Remember: Say it with me now, “I am worthy of love, kindness, and respect, regardless of how I look or perform.”
Embrace change: The way we look, perform, and feel in certain circumstances will change throughout life. It’s human nature. Bodies were meant to change & adapt. It’d be weird if we always looked, acted, thought, and felt like we did in our late teens & early twenties.
See failures as learning opportunities & room for growth: Took a risk and belly flopped the results? Now you know one way that doesn’t work. What else might work instead? Is the goal actually worthy of pursuit?
Move away from goals that don’t serve you: Will what you’re after truly make a difference in your life? What’s actually deeply important to you?
Moving Forward: Rewire Your Inner Dialogue, One Step at a Time
Is there one option that jumps out at you? Lean into that. See what you notice after working on it for a few weeks. Too overwhelming? Try a simple, easier one that resonates to start. Not sure what you’re feeling or hearing from your critic? Try free writing, journaling, drawing, or sketching a mind map about any of the prompts or questions above to uncover your deeper thoughts and feelings. Write the tool you’re working on down on a Post-it note or flashcard so you can be reminded of it regularly. Remember you’re aiming for progress, not perfection. Please let me know how it goes for you in the comments below!